Happy LOVE Day

     For February, the month devoted to LOVE, Sheldon and Davy Vanauken’s marriage principles are prescriptive. The biography of their 17-year-long marriage, A Severe Mercy (1977), not only chronicled their commitment to each other but their journey from agnosticism to Christianity, influenced largely by C. S. Lewis.

     They called their marriage principles “The Shining Barrier,” which purposed to keep their in-loveness from being breached.

     1 – Avoid things that divide or divert attention away from the “Appeal to Love” (p. 41). Consider everything from the angle of what would be best for our love? Even possessions could be a burdensome distraction, which they avoided.

     2 – No secrets, even trivial ones (p. 33). “Total sharing, we felt, was the ultimate secret of a love that would last.”

     3 – Share everything; do everything together. “This is the central secret of enduring love” (p. 35). They determined to have the same interests, friends, and pursuits, in order to tie themselves so closely together that nothing could ever separate them.

     4 – Guard your love from creeping separateness (p. 37). Don’t find separate interests where “we” turns into “I.” This is the cause of failing love, because the results are boredom, declining courtesy, and unfaithfulness.

     5 – Total trust (p. 38). This includes spontaneity: if one has an impulse, the other goes along with it; Affirmation: if one has a belief, the other agrees unless and until it can be disproved; Courtesy: do whatever the other asks because you assume they have weighed the consequences and have pure, not selfish, motives.

     6 – Achieve union. Conflicts are always between self and Love. In decision making, appeal to Love (p. 42). One person does not exercise authority over the other. Sheldon says this kind of Love is more than affection and sexual attraction. It is devotion and commitment.

     We all lose the happiness of youthful love. Therefore, love must pass through a difficult death and rebirth to achieve happiness into old age. It must be crucified and resurrected. If it misses the re-birth, it does not survive. 

     Some of these principles seem extreme and may not be practical for couples who must make a living and raise children. (It helped that Sheldon could live on his inheritance, although he did become a professor, but he and Davy agreed not to have children as that might interfere with their marriage relationship.)

     Nonetheless, every marriage can improve. Incorporating some of the above practices may be exactly what will do the job.

"In the Garden" Alternate Words

Many Christians request that the beloved hymn, “In the Garden” be used at their memorial services. The author, C. Austin Miles, wrote it in 1912 while meditating on the account of Jesus talking with Mary Magdalene at the garden tomb on resurrection morning. Imagining Mary’s experience, Miles wrote about Jesus’ voice “falling on my ear,” and “He walks with me and He talks with me.”

            God speaks to His children today through the Bible, which has been written and translated, so that all civilized people now have access to everything pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). With that in mind, consider these alternate words to the beautiful hymn tune that C. Austin Miles created:

I come to the garden alone,

With God’s living Word my companion;

And it gives me light as I take delight

Consuming daily manna.

[Refrain]

He speaks to my heart through His Word

As in fellowship I’m abiding;

And I trust Him more for each word is sure:

His truth my life is guiding.

[Refrain]

I’d stay in the garden all day

While His Word directs my behavior,

But it bids me go and to others show

The love of Christ my Savior.

[Refrain]

[Refrain:]

How He talks to me through the words I read,

Giving hope and comfort, and peace.

And I love Him more through the treasure store

Of wisdom that meets my needs.

The Bottom Line

        

            “Everybody’s bottom is in the back,” my three-year-old son announced one morning. His simple observation is a universal truth. No birth defect results in people’s bottoms ending up anywhere else than behind them.

            Sometimes the most obvious truths elude us. For example, a young widow spoke at a conference and said, “I want to tell you something shocking but absolutely true—you’re going to die, and people you love are going to die. It’s normal to die! We don’t think about it until we have to, but it’s a universal fact of life.”

            When my youngest children were still pre-schoolers, they were playing in the front yard with our beloved dog Mo. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Mo made a beeline for the street right in front of a car. He died instantly.

            We put Mo into a cloth-lined box and buried him in the backyard under the apple tree. My oldest son played “Taps” on his trumpet, and we all stood around the grave talking about Mo. As much as we want to shield our children from sorrow and suffering, that is not possible. I used it as an occasion to talk about the reality of death, even my own.

            “Our life is in God’s hands. He knows how long we will live and when we will die. That may happen to me or someone else you love before you grow up. I want you to know that when I die, I will be safely with God, so you don’t have to worry about me. You will be sad and will miss me, but Daddy will take good care of you. He will be sad too, but with God’s help all of you will adjust and find happiness in life even if I cannot be with you.”

            My husband and I answered their questions and told them they could talk about this with us whenever they wanted

            Since death will touch us all—even our children—we should prepare them for it by assuring them that God is in control and will take care of them, no matter what happens. Some practical preparations will also help.

            Have a legal, updated will that stipulates a guardian for your minor children. Consider writing a “final love letter” to your children and other loved ones. They will cherish your thoughtfulness. You can also list your desires for a memorial service, such as favorite songs and Scriptures.

            Don’t be the only one who knows where the legal papers, vital documents, and valuables are kept. Put a note in your wallet or jewelry box about where to find these things, or instruct your lawyer or executor about them.

            If you are married, put both your names on all important documents like bank accounts, deposit boxes, titles, investments, and even utility bills.

            Finally, fill out and sign an Advanced Health Care Directive so your loved ones will be able to make medical decisions for you according to your wishes, should that become necessary.

            The reality of this life ending also mandates that we prepare for the next life—eternity.  Reading the Gospel of John is the best place to start. Ask God to show you how you can know you are ready to meet Him. Your children need to learn this as well, so they will not fear death.

I realize this is not a happy devotional, but life is temporary. A wise mom prepares her children for the next life and for unpleasant eventualities in this life. Thankfully, I did live to raise my six children and am now enjoying grandkids.

            The unpleasant but obvious reality of death should help us all to keep our trust in God.  “I trust in You, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand” (Psalm 31:14-15). Your children need you to discuss death with them. You’ll be glad to get it all behind you—kind of like your bottom!